Me and Myself
by Goddess of Hate
Summary: Spoilers. A peek into Johan's childhood and his inability to distinguish between himself and Nina.


Well, it was only a matter of time. I've completed the anime Monster after a year of watching on and off. I figured I'd try and write something to do it justice, but then I realized nothing ever could. Still, if I try, I might come close.

* * *

Which one am I?

Eh, Eh, Okaa-san. Can you tell me?

Which one was I?

Was I born the girl?

Or am I the only son?

Is she me?

We're exactly alike.

Eh, Okaa-san, who will you pick? Will I have to go with this man? What are you doing? Why are you handing me over!? Which one am I, the girl or the boy? Okaa-san, stop! I want to stay here with you!

Nani?

What are you...?

You're keeping me? I get to stay with you? But, then, who's going?

Okaa-san, who exactly is that girl? The one you're handing over? What is her name?

Which one am I, Okaa-san? Which one are you giving away? Where am I in all of this?

That girl...

That girl...

That girl IS me!

No, no, please, she has to stay here! Can't you see? We're exactly alike! We're the same person! That girl is exactly like me. Onegai shimasu, I need that girl! Is she the boy after all? Please, Okaa-san, do something! That girl is another piece of myself. Can't you see? There is no difference between us. Are you giving me away after all? Is this the end of all our long days? Will I be alone from now on? I am without even myself now. What can I do? My existence is worthless. Do I exist anymore? Myself is gone!

Okaa-san, where are you going? Why are you packing all your things? Should I come too?

Stay here? I can't! Okaa-san, take me with you! Please don't leave me here alone! Will that girl come back? Will I see myself again? Okaa-san, why won't you answer? Do you love me? Did you want me to go instead of me? Which one did you choose, Okaa-san?

* * *

Listen to me!

You are my child, the last one. Whichever you are, it doesn't matter. Listen!

You'll see the other child again. Do you understand? You aren't alone so long as that child is alive. But if they kill that one, then you've lost your own life.

You have to be strong! Find those men and kill them!

Ask the other child to tell you everything. When that one does, remember it completely. That child will lead you to the men who took it. You must find every last one of them and kill them. You can do that, okay? You can do it. You must. For the other child.

No no, don't cry. You musn't. You'll be alone here for a long time. During that time you have to stay brave. Can you do that?

No, no, that doesn't matter. You have to. Cry if you want, but when it's all said and done avenge your Father! Avenge the other child!

Stay here now. Don't be afraid anymore.

Goodbye, last one.

* * *

So...

So...

So...

I'm alone. The other me is gone. Okaa-san is gone. Where did they go? Where are they? Okaa-san? Will you come back soon? You forgot to tell me when my other self is coming back. Will it be soon?

Please, I hope so. I want to get myself back.

Please, come back.

"Welcome Home."

"Welcome Home."

The picture book... Okaa-san forgot her picture book.

"Welcome Home."

What is in here? Will I see a picture of the other me? Is she in this book?

This book is all I have until she comes back. When I see me again I won't need this book. It will be just me then. Me, and myself. Yes, that's right. I'll see myself again. Okaa-san said so.

"Welcome Home."

And I'll listen to her story exactly until I can parrot it back exactly as it is. It is my story so I will remember it. I will kill the men who hurt me and destroy them completely.

"Welcome Home."

"Welcome Home."

I will not miss my arrival.

* * *

Authors Notes: No Nina commentary. I know that would have been nice, but once I started writing in Johan's POV, I had a hard time stopping.

For those of you who don't know, the picture book is the Czech picture book written by Franz Bonaparta called 'A Monster Without a Name.' It's the book from where Johan drew his name and really, his entire identity and existence.

Okaa-san means 'Mother.'

I was never sure what happened to Johan and Nina's Mother. She just wasn't there anymore after she chose which child would suffer and which would be left in peace. I've always thought that making a decision like that would be awful. In the end, everyone seemed turned against her. Nina and Johan probably never forgave her. Johan never forgave anyone; he just put a little something in their wine.

Johan refers to Nina as 'Himself' because he was raised as a girl to make everyone believe that they weren't the set of twins the government was looking for. He even confused Nina's memories as his own, showing that he probably couldn't even tell the difference between them. His crossdressing is a habit because he was raised in girl's clothing, a further sign that he cannot tell their identities apart.

Drop a review? Danke shoen!


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